What might a boundary intrusion look like?

Cloud and Townsend (1992) acknowledge that boundaries (spiritual, emotional, mental) are often hard to see. With physical boundaries there is often a visible marker that indicates where one’s property begins and ends; however, that is not the case with spiritual, emotional, or mental boundaries. Spiritual, emotional, and mental boundaries are intangible. These boundaries do not have physical markers which others can clearly see. As such, for others to be aware of these boundaries it is our responsibility to identify the parameters and then communicate those parameters to others. If we have successfully established boundaries and communicated those boundaries to others, then a boundary intrusion might look something similar to the scenarios below:

-someone attempts to persuade or coerce you into making a decision or doing something that you do not wish to do

-you find yourself reminding someone of your boundary over and over and over and over again

-someone disregards your objections and continues doing whatever was objectionable

-you are constantly being interrupted

-your needs are often disregarded

-you are subjected to ridicule because of your established boundaries

-your feelings are invalidated

These are just a few examples of what a boundary intrusion may look like in our relationships with others.

What might a boundary intrusion feel like?

What does it feel like when others intrude on my boundaries? Cloud and Townsend (1992) state that “feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge” (p. 42). When it comes to boundary intrusions, feelings often act as a warning signal on a car alerting you that there could be something that needs further attention to ensure that your vehicle continues functioning properly. If you ignore the warning signs, the vehicle is likely to malfunction or stop working altogether. Attempts to repair a vehicle after we failed to acknowledge the warning signs can often be costly and sometimes failure to acknowledge warning signs causes the vehicle to become broken beyond repair. Responsible drivers heed vehicle warning signs. Our feelings are warning signs that we should heed and investigate further. When boundary intrusions occur, often individuals experience feelings of discomfort, frustration, whelmed, anger, sadness, and other feelings which contribute to distress. These feelings arise from someone invading your space, whether that be your personal space, your emotional space, or your mental space. You may also experience symptoms similar to what is experienced when we enter the “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” mode. Whatever you feel, it is important that you take responsibility for that feeling and investigate what is contributing to that feeling so that you can work towards resolving it.

Not all boundary intrusions are the other person’s fault. Sometimes our failure to establish boundaries or adequately communicate those boundaries contributes to others inadvertently intruding.

For boundaries to be successful they must be established and communicated. This means your boundary is identifiable and understood. For boundaries to be successful…both must occur. For example, interstate travel is only successful because pavement markings on the road are visible and all drivers understand the rules of the road. In this scenario, the pavement markings are our identifiable boundary and the rules of the road supply us with information as to how we are to understand those boundaries. If the pavement markings are identifiable but the rules of the road are unknown then traffic laws are bound to be broken and an accident is likely to occur. For example, both roads in the US and roads in the UK utilize painted lines to separate lanes of traffic. Imagine a UK resident, being unaware of US rules of the road, is on vacation in the US. The pavement markings on the road are visible to the UK resident; however, the UK resident is likely to drive on the left-hand side of the road as is custom in the UK. This UK resident may be an excellent and cautious driver in the UK, but their lack of awareness to US rules of the road places not only their safety at risk but the safety of other drivers as well. In this scenario, boundaries were visible but they were not understood.

Using this same scenario, a UK resident may be aware of the US rules of the road but have difficulty staying in their lane when pavement markings are not visible. The UK driver desires to follow US rules of the road, but is unable to do so due to lack of visibility. In this scenario, the boundaries were understood but not identifiable. In both scenarios, the boundary intrusion is not deliberate and could have been avoided. In these scenarios, boundary intrusions occurred because the boundaries were not identifiable and/or understood. Self-reflection is always necessary to ensure successful boundaries. Whatever boundary you establish, ask yourself if the boundary is identifiable and whether or not you have informed others of your boundary.

It is impossible for other people to respect boundaries that are essentially non-existent due to our own failure to adequately establish identifiable boundaries and communicate those boundaries to others.

Have you ever felt completely overwhelmed by all of your commitments? Have you ever glanced at your calendar and experienced heart palpitations because you have something planned for every single day, sometimes you may even have multiple things planned in one day? Perhaps you even begin to get frustrated with others for expecting so much from you and become angry when they do not appreciate you for all that you do? This is most likely a scenario where we have failed to establish healthy boundaries. If you are feeling overwhelmed by your obligations, frustrated with others for expecting too much, and/or angry because others do not appreciate you it may be time to examine whether or not you have established healthy boundaries that protect your time, energy, and/or resources.

References:

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S., (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.