What is a boundary?

Boundaries communicate to others who we are. They communicate what we expect, from ourselves and from others. They communicate what we allow, for ourselves and others. They communicate where our responsibilities begin, and where our responsibilities end. Cloud and Townsend (1992) state that “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me” (p. 31).

Townsend (2011) indicates that there are two types of boundaries. Those that define us and those that protect us. According to Townsend, “defining boundaries are values that establish who you are and who you are not. They are the core of your identity and reflect what you believe is important and valuable in life” (p. 38). These boundaries are unchanging. The second type of boundary are protective boundaries. Townsend states that protective boundaries “are designed to ‘guard your heart’ (Proverbs 4:23), and your life, from danger or trouble” (p. 39). These boundaries are pliable when protection is no longer necessary.

What happens when boundaries are established?

A lot happens when we establish healthy boundaries. Clear communication of our boundaries helps others understand what we expect from them and what they should expect from us. Our boundaries communicate to others what we will allow in our presence, in our life, in our families as well as what we will not allow. When we establish boundaries, people have the choice to either respect our boundaries or not respect those boundaries (Townsend, 2011). That choice is theirs. What others choose to do can impact the relationship we have with them. When someone respects our boundaries, it allows us to develop a healthy and more intimate relationship with that person. However, when someone chooses to disrespect our boundaries one of two situations might occur as a direct effect…due to continuous boundary intrusions either an unhealthy (sometimes even toxic or abusive) relationship develops or a relationship may cease to exist. Both outcomes come with difficult experiences. The first outcome (an unhealthy, toxic, and/or abusive relationship develops) often leaves us feeling isolated from previous supports and in a situation which may require additional support/help from professionals. The second outcome (a relationship ceases to exist) often leaves us mourning the loss of that relationship. While this loss may be difficult to experience, it is a reality that could occur when we enforce our boundaries. It is a loss that may be necessary as we pursue healthy relationships.

For boundaries to be successful we must ensure that we have properly communicated those boundaries to other individuals. It is important that others understand any consequences which may occur if boundary intrusions continue. If our boundaries are ever crossed, we must examine the factors that contributed to these boundary intrusions. Self-examination is always critical. Questions we may want to ask ourselves: Have I established healthy boundaries? Were my boundaries clearly defined? Did I communicate my boundaries in a way that others could clearly see and understand? What are my boundaries meant to protect and do my boundaries do that adequately? Do others need a loving reminder of my boundaries? Humans are creatures of habit so it is natural for individuals to revert back to previous patterns of behavior. This means that occasionally our loved ones may need reminders of our boundaries, especially if these boundaries are new. However, if after receiving those reminders our boundaries continue to be disrespected then consequences may need to be enforced. Individuals who want to have a healthy relationships with us, though they may need the occasional reminding, should be able to adjust in a way that respects our boundaries.

The above primarily refers to boundaries that we establish for ourselves, but what happens when we are impacted by boundaries established by others? If we expect others to respect our boundaries, then we need to also work towards respecting others’ boundaries as well (Luke 6:31; Matthew 7:12) as long as their boundaries do not intrude on our boundaries.

References

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S., (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.

Townsend, J. S. (2012). Beyond boundaries : learning to trust again in relationships. Zondervan.